WHAT INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS (IFS) CAN BRING TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) is a transformative tool that conceives of every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts led by a core Self. IFS is an non-pathologizing psychotherapy typically used by a therapist, counselor or other behavioral health provider.
It is also a way of understanding personal and intimate relationships. The idea of parts and parts language can be very helpful in understanding ourselves in our closest relationships.
A great deal of distress in couples is driven by unconscious needs, wants, fear and beliefs. When we are struggling in relationship, there are often unmet needs and unconscious wants and beliefs driving the interaction. IFS is a beautiful modality to bring our unconscious to consciousness. We often, as humans, behave from our feelings. In other words, your survival strategy is dancing with your partner’s survival strategy, and then the big needs- love, acceptance, our longings for connection- are not seen or heard by our partner. It is these longings for connection that drive us to relationships in the first place. IFS brings a useful language to these relationship conflicts. With the language of IFS, we can learn to speak FOR our needs and wants. We can create the safety with our partner to show them our most vulnerable selves that lie beneath our protective behaviors.
IFS’s non pathologizing language allows us to express ourselves more fully without blaming, criticizing, or shutting down. This language gives us a way to speak up, and for, ourselves without creating defensiveness in our partner.
IFS can help us to communicate effectively with our partner. The primary distress that brings couples to counseling is due to a communication breakdown in the couple. In relationship communication, in particular, in our closest relationships, there is often a vulnerable feeling/protective strategy pairing. As I said earlier, your survival strategy is dancing with your partners survival strategy. Often, we speak from a place of protection rather than vulnerability. For instance, we might say, “Why didn’t you call or text me? How inconsiderate of you!” instead of, “Oh, that hurt when you shared your trip photos with all your friends and didn’t consider me. I got a little scared that you might not think of me when I’m not around, which makes me feel unimportant to you.”
The language of IFS can help to make these conversations easier. It is HARD to speak for our most vulnerable feelings. It is a fact, though, that when we are able to clearly communicate our needs to our partner, there is a much higher likelihood they will be met.
Do you and your partner ever get in these communication tangles? Both of our providers are trained in both couples therapy and IFS. We can help you and your partner have the connection that you both desire.
Links to learn more about IFS:
IFS Institute: https://youtu.be/DdZZ7sTX840 www.ifs-institute.com
Learn more about IFIO- (Intimacy from the Inside Out)- IFS applied to couples- https://www.toniherbineblank.com/about.html
Please reach out to us by either calling us at 865-238-5696, or on our website.
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