Shame, Guilt and MarrIage

Guilt and shame both feel bad, and people often use the words interchangeably. Or sometimes they draw a distinction between guilt, shame and toxic shame.  Psychologists who study guilt and shame, though, draw a clear line between them.

Guilt is about what you did. It focuses on a specific action and its effect on someone else. “I forgot to call the plumber, and now Dana has to deal with the leak another day.”

Shame is about who you are. It takes a single action and turns it into a judgment about your whole self. “I forgot again. I’m unreliable. I’m a disappointment.”

The Scar Tissue in Our Relationships: What Physical Therapy Taught Me About Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we talk about primary and secondary emotions. The secondary emotion is the one that shows up first, the one you can see — in this case, you might believe she is angry. Fists on a chest.

As a couples therapist, the couples with perpetual problems and gridlocked problems are the ones I tend to see in my office. Sometimes the conflict isn't totally gridlocked yet, but both partners can see it heading that way. Problems become gridlocked because as humans we tend to focus on finding a solution rather than finding a way to talk about the problem.

What Nobody Tells You About Blending a Family

As family therapists and marriage counselors, we get calls almost every week from couples trying to merge two households into one. Different kids, different pets, different rules, different histories, all under one roof, while the couple is also trying to build a brand-new marriage at the same time. It's an enormous amount to manage.